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One of my bloggers posted the following in response to an article that I’d written entitled, “When a Spouse Cheats is the Other Spouse to Blame?” (You can find this article in the Archives). I think that his post is absolutely amazing and incredibly insightful so I wanted to share it here on the main page.

Some people are in situations where they have an unbelieving or backslidden spouse that continuously cheats. For those types of marriages the previous article on this page “Should I Leave My Cheating Husband?” effectively addresses those types of situations. But then there are other people that are in a situation where a good spouse falls into adultery and sincerely wants forgiveness and healing. For those of you in this situation, I encourage all of you to handle it the way that this man handled it in his own marriage. Read on…

 Forgive wrote:

I found out during a marriage conference/retreat that my wife had had an affair. I asked her, and she came clean. I can explain it in no other way than this. God manifested His grace in my life at that moment like no time before (other than when He saved me by His grace). Immediately, I forgave her. She was broken, I was broken. I had always wondered, but not to the extent of suspicion and mistrust. But something that night made me ask, and she knew as well that it was coming out that night. When my worst fear was confirmed, God touched me. She and I would work it out.

Now, I still hurt deeply, and I may for the rest of my days. I just don’t know. She was a virgin when we married. She is quiet, humble, and has never rebelled before. As we have reflected on the situation, there are a few places of blame on both of our parts. They are as follows:

1) She had been taking antidepressants. They numbed her to alot of things. Though she was “happier”, she wasn’t herself. She quit these cold-turkey a month or so prior to this revelation.

2) There simply was not the kind of communication that MUST be in a marriage. With 2 kids, 2 careers, etc etc, we neglected the time to be married to one another. Without communication from both sides, a marriage is nothing but a business relationship that keeps up house payments and babysits kids. I feel I am mostly to blame for this part. She did not share how her mind and heart were, and though I would ask, I did not persist or be consistent.

3) Not praying together. This was our fundamental flaw. Husbands and wives who do not pray together are playing with fire. With bills, kids, jobs and the “business” of this world’s pace, prayer is a no-brainer that often gets overlooked and neglected.

4) Satan hates marriage. period. He will do what he can to destroy the one thing that models Christ and the Church. He can’t touch Christ, and he can’t touch the Church (Believers, not walls), so he attacks the closest thing that represents them.

There are other things that led to this, I am sure, but the above are the main ones we talked about and concluded.

By the way, two days after I found this out, we talked about it, and we agreed that she should call him and tell him. After a few minutes, I was on the phone with him as well. I DO NOT say this in a prideful or boastful way, because I know I would be incapable of this in and of myself, but I told him that I forgive him too (which I did), and that I love him and would pray for him. He is lost, and needs witnessing. God helped me deal with the situation properly. This guy is an acquaintance of mine as well, so we know one another to an extent, and I do not want to see him remain lost. It is my prayer that the way God helped me handle him will make an impression. He knows where I stand, and he knows how I was able to forgive him.

If nothing else is gleaned from this, remember one thing. Jesus forgave us. We should…rather, we HAVE TO forgive others.

God bless.

In  His Power,
Minister Laneen A. Haniah
Anavah – the blog owner and author of
The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook
www.victoriouslyfree.org 

Looking for a previous article? Click Here

Would you  like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation? Click Here    

Want to share a testimony? Click Here

Need advice about something? Click Here     

If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please  e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

(Please be advised that if you post a comment to any article on this weblog, you will automatically be added to the mailing list, receiving weekly updates about this site. If you do not want to be automatically added to this list all you have to do is add this phrase in parenthesis at the beginning of your first comment only: “I do not wish to be added to the mailing list”. You only have to add this phrase to the very first comment you post. It will protect you from receiving updates. Thank you for your cooperation. ) ) 

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This question was asked of me on the advice page. This is such a common issue and question that I am presented with that I thought I should address it as a general post. Please read the blogger’s question and my answer below. It’s long, but it is well worth reading if you or someone you know is in a similar situation. 

Dear Anavah,

Where do I begin? After 30 plus years of marriage, living as a believer the entire time with a husband who lasted maybe two years early on in the marriage as a believer, I am needing sound biblical counsel. I have read your book and it was enlightening and very much on point within these areas of specifics. My husband has dealt in pornography, masturbation, adultery, and drug abuse most of the marriage. He has entered into a deep phase of porn, etc.

We now sleep in separate rooms. His room is like a pig sty. Whenever I step in there for anything, which is rare, I can feel darkness. Some years ago he was in an affair with another woman for several years. At that time I convinced myself to stay for the sake of our children. Once the kids were gone and grown I stayed due to lack of finances after a less than profitable business venture. Now it is simply not wanting to be homeless. The career I have pursued is challenging. I definitely feel a tug from God to become more available to Him, however I feel like I am tied.

Relationally there is only care and concern for my husband as a human being, erotic love has been a non- issue for quite a while now. There are too many diseases to be concerned with. And then the whole soul tie thing — I feel it’s all coming to a head in some way but I am not sure how. Just recently I had one dream where I felt terror and in my heart knew something terrible had happened to him. I asked Holy Spirit what did the dream mean (and He revealed it to me). In another dream after this one he (my husband) said that he was too far out there. He was screwing children, something he always frowned on others for doing. Now this dream really disturbed me. We have grands. This morning he called my cell phone by mistake thinking it was his drug dealer. I told him he needed to seek treatment and counseling and that he was going down hill.

He claims he wants to stop but his response was he does not feel like counseling will help him, that those places have a high failure rate. To me that is an excuse and he has not fallen deep enough. I feel more compelled to leave now than ever , should I? Voices of guilt are tyring to tell me that Jesus did not give up on me, and how can I spread the word to others when I can’t help the ones in my own house. Laneen he actually says he feels like building a closer relationship with me is the way to get him better. Well I have forgiven him for all of what has been done, but there is a large gulf fixed between us because our core beliefs are opposing. I told him if he sought help I would support him but I would not continue to watch him destroy him self.

I could go on but I won’t. You spoke on these issues in your book, what advice would you give somebody 50 something in this type of situation?

Thanks,
Seeking Answers

 

Dear Seeking Answers,

I have never taken quite so long to respond to anyone as I have you. Your post made my heart ache and even now my eyes are teary as I write this response to you. This is such a painful situation that you are in and I want you to know that I really prayed and took the time to seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance in responding to you. The following is what I believe the Holy Spirit is telling me to share with you.

You asked for Biblical advice so let me start with scripture. You said that your husband lived as a Believer in the earlier part of your marriage. Even though that was a long time ago, once someone has been introduced to The Savior, they cannot void out that experience in their spiritual account. This means that your husband is a backslider as opposed to an unbeliever. So I want to share with you what the Bible says in 1 Cor 5. Paul talks about how to deal with those in your intimate circle that are involved in sexual immorality. He says in verse 5:

You are to deliverthis man over to satan for physical discipline [to destroy carnal lusts which prompted him to incest (sexual immorality)], that [his] spirit may [yet] be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.”

And then in verses 9-11 it says:    

    “I wrote you in my [previous] letter not to associate [closely and habitually] with unchaste (impure) people–

    Not [meaning of course that you must] altogether shun the immoral people of this world, or the greedy graspers and cheats and thieves or idolaters, since otherwise you would need to get out of the world and human society altogether!

    But now I write to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], (like your husband’s drug addiction) or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person. (AMP)”

Sister, although your situation is probably the most heartbreaking one that I have read here on the blog, it is not the first time that I have been presented with its kind. The common thread of emotion amongst those in your position is – GUILT. People take upon themselves the burden of  “saving” their wayward spouse. You specifically said that you feel guilty and I can tell you most assuredly that guilt does not come from God but instead comes from satan – even such seemingly “noble” guilt as yours. Guilt breeds condemnation and punishment and the Bible says that there is no condemnation for them that walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit (Rom 8:1).

Seeking Answers, in the book of Hebrews 6:4-6 the Bible tells us,

“4 For it is impossible to bring back to repentance those who were once enlightened those who have experienced the good things of heaven and shared in the Holy Spirit,

 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the power of the age to come

6 and who then turn away from God. It is impossible to bring such people back to repentance; by rejecting the Son of God, they themselvesare nailing him to the cross once again and holding him up to public shame (NKJV).”

You see, it was never your responsibility to save your husband’s soul. For the Bible says that one man plants, another man waters but it is God who gives the increase (1 Cor 3:6-7). Jesus died for your husband’s salvation and Jesus alone can save anyone. We are not called to suffer for the salvation of others as Jesus has already suffered for us all in that sense. Once someone becomes a believer it is their own responsibility to grow in the things of God. The scripture above in Hebrews says that “it is impossible” to bring back to repentance one such as your husband. Does this mean that he or those like him can never repent or be restored? Of course not! For with God all things are possible. But it means that you (or any person) cannot bring such a one back to repentance. This is a work that has to be done directly by the hand of The Lord.

So what should we do when we have a person in our life that is no longer walking in the Light? We should do what Paul instructs us to do in the above scriptures in Corinthians my sister. We should “deliverthis man over to satan for physical discipline [to destroy carnal lusts which prompted him to (sexual immorality)], that [his] spirit may [yet] be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.” We should, “not associate (closely and habitually) with anyone (including a spouse) who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person.”

Seeking Answers, you have a Biblical mandate to remove yourself from the situation that you are in and allow God to deal with your husband in His own way, while preserving your own righteousness and allowing yourself to grow in the Lord unhindered! Not only would it be a good thing to leave, but even more so than that, you are actually in disobedience if you stay! God was even kind enough to warn you in two (2 the number of confirmation) dreams the way things are soon to turn if your husband does not repent and return to the Lord. It is time that you GET OUT OF GOD’S WAY and give Him the liberty that He needs to save both your husband’s life and his soul. How will you feel if he dies? How will you feel if he rapes your grands or some other precious child? You’ve been warned by the Holy Spirit sister and you need to take heed.

I know these are hard sayings, and please don’t think that my heart doesn’t ache to write them to you, but I do believe that these are the Lord’s instructions to you and any man or woman in your situation. Jesus very rarely directly dealt with relationship issues or sexual sin during His ministry on earth, but even He took the time to let us know that in the case of adultery a divorce is often times warranted. This topic must assuredly be of great concern to The Kingdom of Heaven for Jesus to have mentioned it. Jesus’ ministry on earth was not so much about teaching people the specifics of how to live the daily Christian life. The Apostles dealt with those issues in the epistles of the Bible. Jesus’ assignment was to preach the general truths of Kingdom principles, therefore laying the foundation for The Body of Christ. Yet He took time to teach on divorce and adultery saying these things:

“Jesus said, “Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God’s original plan. I’m holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife (or husband) and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery. (Mat 19:8, MSG)”

Does this mean that you are commandedto divorce your husband? No it does not. Jesus’ teachings on adultery were really pointing more toward God’s passionate hatred for divorce. Yet in that hatred for divorce, He did not want anyone to feel bound by Him to stay married to an adulterous spouse. Adultery is birthed out of the wickedness and lustfulness of a person’s heart (Mat 15:19) and breaks the marriage covenant. Therefore anyone married to one that has committed adultery is released from that covenant with God’s blessing. But whether, you sister, divorce or not that is your choice. However, a legal separation is a mandate from God.

And in terms of supporting your husband in his supposed decision to get clean, the only support you should be offering him is to under gird him in prayer and to bless him with your mouth. You have given him 30+ years of support which he trampled under foot and wasted. If you were able to help him Sis, his deliverance would have been effectively accomplished and manifested a long time ago. There is nothing you can do to help your husband except getting out of his life and out of God’s way! If he is really ready for a change, God is more than capable of being all of the support and comfort your husband needs.

Lastly, in terms of your fear about leaving I simply say – TRUST GOD. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3:5-6, NKJV)” God shall supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory (Phil 4:19).  He took care of Hagar in the wilderness when Abraham sent her away (Gen 21:8-20). Surely He will take care of you. Don’t let doubt and unbelief be an excuse to stay in this situation. God will provide the means that you need to make a complete separation from your husband if you are really willing in your heart to be obedient. And by the way, did you know that the spirit of pornography brings on poverty? Your business will never succeed as long as you stay with this man. You think staying with him is a means of provision, but it is really a means of  poverty.

Sister, you said that God is calling you closer but you feel “tied”. If your right eye offends you cut it out (Mat 5:29). Seeking Answers, DON’T MAKE ANY EXCUSES for why you can’t get closer to God. I know that it’s hard, but if you are willing to make the sacrifice and stop saying “I can’t” but instead say “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13) you will grow in your walk with the Lord. You will never make it through this painful transition that you are about to go through without a close and intimate walk with God. And further more, in order to be able to really effectively pray for your husband and your children and grands (that they may be delivered from generational curses) you are going to need the Holy Spirit to rise up in you in a mighty way.

I pray you receive this Now Word for your situation and allow it to empower you to walk in a new season. My prayers are with you.

In  His Power,
Minister Laneen A. Haniah
Anavah – the blog owner and author of
The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook
www.victoriouslyfree.org 

Looking for a previous article? Click Here

Would you  like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation? Click Here    

Want to share a testimony? Click Here

Need advice about something? Click Here     

If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please  e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

(Please be advised that if you post a comment to any article on this weblog, you will automatically be added to the mailing list, receiving weekly updates about this site. If you do not want to be automatically added to this list all you have to do is add this phrase in parenthesis at the beginning of your first comment only: “I do not wish to be added to the mailing list”. You only have to add this phrase to the very first comment you post. It will protect you from receiving updates. Thank you for your cooperation. ) ) 

 

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(This is a letter that was e-mailed to me from an anonymous source. The author is a female Minister of The Gospel.) 

Hello:

I stumbled upon your website while doing some research on-line.  I purchased your book and am looking forward to being blessed and transformed by it.  I frequented some of your blogs and was very much blessed by your ministry. I would like to acquire counsel on a matter…

I have a friend who I do believe God placed in my life.  She loves Jesus and spiritually we can dialog about the word and spiritual matters and it is awesome because most often I am the one imparting so it is nice to have someone who can counter share with me and we can explore the word, and God and destiny together.

My friend is married and I am single.  In the past we have not governed our relationship properly and at one point were getting our sexual needs met from the relationship.  In my effort to reorder the relationship with her and God, I refused to participate in these acts further which my friend was not happy with and really became very controlling and manipulative…..very Jezebelic to say the least.  This caused me to have to cut off contact all together for a season.  While in the midst of pressuring me she became pregnant and her and her husband had a beautiful baby boy. 

All of this happened over a three year span.  It was only after becoming pregnant that my friend realized she was out of order and needed to get delivered.  However, this was very challenging to me as I felt betrayed.  Even though she is supposed to have sex with her husband and not me and that was something I was wanting her to do, I was upset at the fact of her trying to pursue me and even becoming vicious and upset with me to the point of just being hateful and vindictive….I can’t begin to describe some of the things she has said and done to me in an effort to get me; to punish me for making a decision not to sleep with her any further

Now that my friend has acquired a perspective on our relationship, we have strived to work on restoring our friendship in a Godly fashion.  She now however, appears to have the perspective of diving in head first; her reasoning is she understands we can’t go back and she is not that person anymore, however, I have lots of cautions and challenges and need to and desire to take the process of restoring our friendship very slowly.

One of my biggest challenges is that I have some heart issues against her regarding her baby boy.  When talking to me, she calls him the miracle child because he is the reason she turned from the error of her ways and saw what she was doing was wrong, but for me, he reminds me of how she treated me and in some ways it almost feels like she cheated on me even though naturally that isn’t realistic since she is married and we weren’t supposed to be doing anything in the first place; not to mention, I was opting out of the relationship, but that is how my heart feels and I have not been able to get past it no matter how much we talk about it.  I know my main issues are how she treated me at that time and then bam…I’m pregnant…it almost felt like she did it to retaliate against me and hurt me although she said that she was really trying to work on her marriage and do what I was encouraging her to do which was to work on her marriage and get her needs met through her husband…so with her actions she was doing this but with her words and deeds towards me she was doing otherwise….. 

My other challenge is that she wants me to be in her kids and husband’s life and I would very much love this but I want to do it at my own pace and don’t want to be pressured into it.  Never the less, every now and again, she will try to create opportunities for this to occur and will make comments about her children as if they are asking about me which is not true because the boy has only seen me twice and once was a week or so ago so the only way he would be inquiring about me is if she is putting inferences in his mind as he doesn’t know me at all to be doing that… 

Not to mention her husband has always been challenged by my presence.  From the initial point she and I became friends and were nothing but friends, he has never cared for me and it was/is obvious.   He says she changes when she is around me and I concur but she doesn’t readily admit this although it’s obvious to me and to him.  Sometimes, I sort of feel like her change is because I am everything she ever wanted in a mate, as she will make remarks at times when her and her husband are at odds that, “I need you in a male form,” or, “I wish he was like you.” Though she says this she will deny this and contend that her love for me as like Jonathan and David in the bible….

Recently I went to my friend’s state on other business and I stayed a few days.  My friend would come to visit me and I would visit her and for the most part things were decent and in order.  At times she would lay on me or grab my hand; this is the first time we have seen each other physically in over a year so I am still striving to figure out where the boundaries reside.  I had to admit I was very uncomfortable.  I sort of feel like my friend doesn’t have to have sex…that really she just truly desires intimacy and since she isn’t getting it in her marriage she is willing to have it at any level.  So to her laying on me or wanting me to hold her or hold her hand is sisterly…I had expressed to her that for me, I needed time to sort out what is an appropriate level of physical contact and for the present moment didn’t want to participate in any at all, but that didn’t stop her from pushing the boundaries I felt was needed.  Nothing happened further than just her laying on me or holding my hand or trying to be close to me in some form but to me it was a subtle representation of past actions….it wasn’t the full blown manipulation but just enough where she could justify it when I brought it up and yes I did bring it up…and she surely justified it. 

She as well sent me a CD of Dr. So and So  preaching about female friendships once I returned home.  It was a powerful message on friendship and how women need other sisters as friends to help them through the journeys of life.  One portion Dr. So and So  spoke about being a single woman and how her friends meet her intimacy needs.  She wasn’t talking about sexually but that when she is struggling as a single women they will be there to talk and walk her through until she is able to stand on her own again.  Well my friend used this to try to tell me it was okay if we held hands and laid on one another and the like….she used it from the angle of me being single and it was okay if I got my intimacy needs met through her since she was my “sisterfriend”….

I have never shared this with anyone as I am a leader in my church and I am the problem bearer for everyone else around me.  So really I have been working out my own salvation on this one…just me and God….

I would truly appreciate your insight…

In His Power,
Minister Laneen A. Haniah
Anavah – the blog owner and author of
The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook
www.victoriouslyfree.org 

Looking for a previous article? Click Here

Would you  like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation? Click Here    

Want to share a testimony? Click Here

Need advice about something? Click Here     

If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please  e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

(Please be advised that if you post a comment to any article on this weblog, you will automatically be added to the mailing list, receiving weekly updates about this site. If you do not want to be automatically added to this list all you have to do is add this phrase in parenthesis at the beginning of your first comment only: “I do not wish to be added to the mailing list”. You only have to add this phrase to the very first comment you post. It will protect you from receiving updates. Thank you for your cooperation. ) ) 

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(I will be checking out for the weekend, but I always like to leave you with a thought to ponder over the weekend. Feel free to leave comments but know that I will not be back in until Sunday night or Monday morning to respond. Please have a nice weekend. 🙂 )

Some of you may have been reading the post entitled: Anavah’s Answer: Which acts are permissable within the confines of marriage? I think I really owe everyone an apology for the direction that this post has gone in. It has turned into a rather unpleasant and possibly unedifying debate over the legality, or lack thereof, of oral sex within the confines of marriage. I failed to exercise proper wisdom and mature discernment in opening up this conversation about marital sex on this public forum. This is a topic that should be reserved for married people and be carried on by married people. What married people do in their beds should have never been opened up to be discussed by just anyone.

As I have read the many comments and strong view points on this topic, I realized my error. The truth of the matter is that people who are not married are not qualified to speak on this topic. I am sorry because I know that offends many of you who try to be good stewards of God’s Word, but I know that what I am saying is true about marriage being discussed among the married (and those divorced or widowed have wisdom to share as well in some instances).

The truth of the matter is that the marriage bed is so sacred that it cannot be seen or understood by those who have not entered in to it, or even those who have entered into illegally or untimely (meaning with the wrong spouse). It is like the Holy of Holies in the Temple of Yahweh. Only the priest were allowed inside and therefore only they knew what it looked like, what it felt like and understood the glory and sanctity of if. Even of those priest that did enter, it seems that few ever understood the fullness of its glory, but because they had been called to enter in, God’s grace and mercy was upon them to continue to explore and seek understanding of that sacred place.

When those who were not qualified or chosen tried to enter into the Holy of Holies, they were killed. I believe this is what happens to people who are not married, or those who are in a marriage not ordained by God, when they try to enter into the realm of understanding marital intimacy. They are killed by their own ignorance and lack of understanding; they are killed by the letter of the law not understanding the beautiful glory of marital intimacy. What’s worse is that often times people that step foot on the sacred ground of marital intimacy before the appointed time and without the appointed covenant partner, are often blinded for life to its true glory.

By virtue of the sheer ignorance of some of the comments that have been made concerning marital sex and oral sex within the confines of marriage in particular; especially how irrelevant scripture has been used as an axe to condemn — I know that we have looked into the hearts of those that have trespassed on the sacred ground of marital intimacy. I am actually quite sad for those that have done this and saddened that I had a part in compounding their ignorance by forcing them to further contemplate that which they had no right to ponder in the first place.

To look into marital intimacy before the appointed time, is similar to a child who peeks in on his or her parents while they are engaged in sexual intimacy. The child is often horrified and even devastated. The child cannot understand why Mommy and Daddy are touching their private parts together when they have taught others that it is naughty for anyone to see or touch your privates. They can’t understand why Mommy seems to be crying and Daddy seems to not care. The child does not understand the beauty and sanctity of this activity, which under any other circumstances would be completely inappropriate and totally and grossly perverse. The child does not understand and no matter how much you try to explain to him or her, that child will not understand, until they too one day enter into that sacred bed of marriage with their own spouse. Sometimes the child is so traumatized by the occurrence, that even many years later as an adult, that now grown child cannot understand the beauty and glory of  sexual intimacy.

It is best for those of you who are not married to leave this topic alone. You are all like children, struggling to understand something that you cannot possibly understand. Marital intimacy is a sacred place and what goes on in that sacred place is disturbing to those who don’t belong there. Therefore God has blinded the eyes of them that are not yet certified to see the beauty and glory of it and He will not open them up until the appointed time. No matter how much you seek to understand this sacred place, I’m afraid that you will not until your appointed time comes. I am further concerned that if you continue to trespass on this sacred ground, you will traumatize and devastate yourself beyond repair.

So I once again apologize for exposing all of you unmarried people to the sacred ground of marital intimacy. My heart was in the right place, wanting to help married couples learn how to sanctify and enjoy their marriage bed, but I think my efforts may have done more harm than good. If I ever open this topic up again, it will be in a private discussion to be addressed by married people only. For now, I pray that God will cleanse your hearts of all that you have seen and heard that you should not have and I pray His mercy on me for my error.

My Deepest Apologies,
Minister Laneen A. Haniah
Anavah – the blog owner and author of
The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook
www.victoriouslyfree.org 

Looking for a previous article? Click Here

Would you  like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation? Click Here    

Want to share a testimony? Click Here

Need advice about something? Click Here     

If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please  e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

(Please be advised that if you post a comment to any article on this weblog, you will automatically be added to the mailing list, receiving weekly updates about this site. If you do not want to be automatically added to this list all you have to do is add this phrase in parenthesis at the beginning of your first comment only: “I do not wish to be added to the mailing list”. You only have to add this phrase to the very first comment you post. It will protect you from receiving updates. Thank you for your cooperation. ) )

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Well, we had a wonderful exploration of masturbation the last two weeks with our question of the week. If you missed out on it, you need to check it out. But I have in my spirit for this week to discuss marital sex. So our question for this week, or unitl the Holy Spirit says otherwise: “Which sex acts are permissable within the confines of marriage?”

I have a feeling that this one will be interesting and passionate. Please post in love and remember to include scripture when you can. This is all about finding out the Biblical perspective on Christian sexuality. So let’s blog!

If you are looking for a previous article it can be found on the Archives page here: https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/archives/

 If you would like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation, please visit the Born Again page here: https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/how-to-be-saved/         

 If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

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It took everyone a little while to warm up to this question, but toward the end of the week the comments really started to get interesting. I prayed about it and I feel led in my spirit to leave this question on the table for another week. We have barely scratched the surface on this topic. Let’s see where the Holy Spirit takes us this week.

To post a comment on this topic, please return to the original post at the link below:

Question of the week: Are you a Christian who masturbates? Why or why not?

If you are looking for a previous article it can be found on the Archives page here:

https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/archives/

 If you would like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation, please visit the Born Again page here: https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/how-to-be-saved/         

 If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

(Please be advised that if you post a comment to any article on this weblog, you will automatically be added to the mailing list, receiving weekly updates about this site. If you do not want to be automatically added to this list all you have to do is add this phrase in parenthesis at the beginning of your first comment only: “I do not wish to be added to the mailing list”. You only have to add this phrase to the very first comment you post. It will protect you from receiving updates. Thank you for your cooperation.)  

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I was sent this testimony and question by Wife wanting to Fulfill:

”  I thank you for your testimony…I am emailing you personally to see what you think could be the cause of this [situation] in my life.

I personally did not grow up in a church and I got some of the values but was mixed up on some of the others. My first sexual interest started when I was about six years old… [I watched pornography with my grandfather as I pretended to be sleep.] From sneaking peaks at this I began to masturbate, but I always felt guilty afterwards…I did this for a number of years.

…I did not have sex until I was 14 years old and the only reason I did it was because I ran with a fast group of girls who were younger than me and they kind of clowned me because I was still a virgin, so I made up in my mind that I would lose my virginity before I entered the 10th grade. That was my goal for the summer between the grades. I accomplished my goal, and the guy dumped me. [Then I hooked with some guy that made me do a lot of sexually perverse things and was very controlling; so I broke it off with him]. Then I hooked up with this boy that I hunted down to make mine, and he is the one that had my heart for a long time. Come to find out that I took his virginity. …We broke up because I was super jealous and I tried to get back with him, but to no avail.

Then someone asked me to come to their church…They gave us (the youth) a lot of restrictions at that church like not listening to certain music, etc. So I met a guy one day and got his number and had sex with him because I thought that it would give me the opportunity to not be accountable to that church…

I went to college and during my summer breaks I broke loose for the first two years having more sexual partners than I ever wanted to have, but at the same time I was still messing with the guy who had my heart (the one whose virginity that I took). I had it bad for him and since I couldn’t have him the way I wanted him, I would sleep with all these guys who I found attractive. I had no problems with sex back then. I then had a baby with another guy. Once I did this my life changed as far as party-wise but I was still looking for love in all the wrong places. My child’s father cheated on me and so after a couple of years of that I wanted to break up with him and I found somebody to cheat with so that I could easily break up with him. I…ended up getting pregnant [by another guy and I had my child’s father take me to get an abortion]. He and I got back together but I knew that I didn’t want to be with him. He went to jail, I went to church and when he got out of jail, he went to church with me. During those first four weeks of going to church, I dedicated my life to God, and saw Jesus like I never knew Him. At the onset, the first week of being saved I told myself that I had to get over the guy who [had gotten me pregnant- a co-worker], so I called him up and had sex with him. When I did that I knew that it was for me to be celibate, because I had no desire when I was with the guy… The Lord began to show me that my child’s father was not the one for me, and He told me to let him go. I had a hard time with that, because I was very lonely at that time. But I did it, after giving my life to Christ for seven months I broke up with my child’s father.

Somewhere about a month or two later, I get a call from my first love …and for some reason I believe the Holy Spirit was telling me not to visit him, but I did anyway. I got caught up in a web of [sexual] activity because I always had feelings for him. I saw that he was not saved, yet I thought that God would work it out, so I kept praying for him. I even saw him doing some way-out drugs but I figured God will work it out. At the time, I had HPV, and we had sex once without a condom, well it came to a point that God began speaking to me and then He told me to sacrifice my Isaac and that its to be done by telling the truth. This completely flipped my first love out. He was upset! We went to the clinic together but there was no more of us together after that incident. I ended up talking to him a few months down the road and was at his assistance for oral sex, yet I found him with another girl the next week. We were over after that, but I didn’t want to let him go.

After this incident, really not even a week I ran into one of my former co-workers and began a sexual relationship with him. He was working a job and somehow I got it in my head, that yeah I seen him at church before, he has to be doing something good in his life…This relationship put me in a tizzy because I knew that I was acting out of what I wanted and I was trying to make something happen between us. I went to many prayer partners and groups for deliverance of my sexual sin. But I was no longer wrapped into the sex, I was wrapped into a man in my mind that I knew I was going to marry, yet he was not looking for a relationship.

…I met my husband (S) while I was still with this guy, at new members class…One night I and asked (S) if he wanted a ride home. He accepted and said that he must repay me, by taking me out for ice cream… (S) told me about how he was homeless at the moment…He told me that he only had forty dollars to his name. I begin to think, wow that’s a struggle. And he bought me ice cream when he is going through such a trying time. This event showed me that the guy who I was sleeping with didn’t care anything about me, he didn’t take me out for ice cream and he had a job, a well-paying job and he took me nowhere never suggested anything. So I knew that I was getting the bad end of the stick. That’s when I really began to ask God to purge me from that relationship…

I didn’t make our breakup official until … before the New Year in 2004. At the same time (S) was pursuing me, although I kept telling him that I have to deal with me, it’s just me and God. He would keep calling… so I would continue to talk to him. He told me that he would marry me, but he had just got laid off … Then (S) and I had sex for the first time. I really did not want to fornicate this time around… I felt guilty every time that it happened. I felt guilty when I had sex with the selfish guy too.

(S) and I got married about a year after that, more like 11 months later. And ever since then it has been hard for me to get into our lovemaking. I have battles with it, like why is he bothering me. Or because he wants to have sex only when I am enjoying it and if I don’t look like it, then he’s not happy. I just can’t get myself to get into it. I don’t really know why. The Lord told me that it was not helping my marriage to visit the myspace page of my first love…But this is crazy because today is the closest I came to seeking somebody else for some advice about the whole ordeal, and guess what happens? (S) goes to the strip club for the first time in our marriage… It makes me think that as I surrendered my going to the myspace page to try to work out my husband’s and I sexual encounters in marriage that he then ends up in the strip club. What is up with this? Is this all spiritual, or am I just a disobedient child that needs to be spanked?

So this was her main question to me: 

I am a recently married woman and mother of an 8 year old. I am having trouble with joy in sex now that I am in a Marriage Covenant. Before I was saved, I had sex with many people freely and did not think about it. Once I came to Christ, I had two sexual partners consectively while I was still single and I always felt guilt. That guilt in sex has transpired into my marriage, not as guilt but as an unwillingness to really enjoy sex. Its not that I am being stubborn, I just don’t ever really feel like having sex. What is wrong with what I am doing?”

Please see my comment to Wife wanting to Fulfill in the comments to this post.

If you are looking for a previous article it can be found on the Archives page here:

https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/archives/

 If you would like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation, please visit the Born Again page here: https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/how-to-be-saved/         

 If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

(Please be advised that if you post a comment to any article on this weblog, you will automatically be added to the mailing list, receiving weekly updates about this site. If you do not want to be automatically added to this list all you have to do is add this phrase in parenthesis at the beginning of your first comment only: “I do not wish to be added to the mailing list”. You only have to add this phrase to the very first comment you post. It will protect you from receiving updates. Thank you for your cooperation.)   

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