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This article has been moved. All of the insightful and encouraging corresponding comments have also been moved. The new and improved blog page can be viewed at http://drintimacy.wordpress.com/2011/10/19/should-i-end-this-relationship/

Please use the above link to read and comment on this topic. If you posted a comment on this article previously, you will find your comment at the new location soon. Thanks so much for your interest.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a holistic perspective – spirit, soul and body

drintimacy@drintimacy.com

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(This is a letter that was e-mailed to me from an anonymous source. The author is a female Minister of The Gospel.) 

Hello:

I stumbled upon your website while doing some research on-line.  I purchased your book and am looking forward to being blessed and transformed by it.  I frequented some of your blogs and was very much blessed by your ministry. I would like to acquire counsel on a matter…

I have a friend who I do believe God placed in my life.  She loves Jesus and spiritually we can dialog about the word and spiritual matters and it is awesome because most often I am the one imparting so it is nice to have someone who can counter share with me and we can explore the word, and God and destiny together.

My friend is married and I am single.  In the past we have not governed our relationship properly and at one point were getting our sexual needs met from the relationship.  In my effort to reorder the relationship with her and God, I refused to participate in these acts further which my friend was not happy with and really became very controlling and manipulative…..very Jezebelic to say the least.  This caused me to have to cut off contact all together for a season.  While in the midst of pressuring me she became pregnant and her and her husband had a beautiful baby boy. 

All of this happened over a three year span.  It was only after becoming pregnant that my friend realized she was out of order and needed to get delivered.  However, this was very challenging to me as I felt betrayed.  Even though she is supposed to have sex with her husband and not me and that was something I was wanting her to do, I was upset at the fact of her trying to pursue me and even becoming vicious and upset with me to the point of just being hateful and vindictive….I can’t begin to describe some of the things she has said and done to me in an effort to get me; to punish me for making a decision not to sleep with her any further

Now that my friend has acquired a perspective on our relationship, we have strived to work on restoring our friendship in a Godly fashion.  She now however, appears to have the perspective of diving in head first; her reasoning is she understands we can’t go back and she is not that person anymore, however, I have lots of cautions and challenges and need to and desire to take the process of restoring our friendship very slowly.

One of my biggest challenges is that I have some heart issues against her regarding her baby boy.  When talking to me, she calls him the miracle child because he is the reason she turned from the error of her ways and saw what she was doing was wrong, but for me, he reminds me of how she treated me and in some ways it almost feels like she cheated on me even though naturally that isn’t realistic since she is married and we weren’t supposed to be doing anything in the first place; not to mention, I was opting out of the relationship, but that is how my heart feels and I have not been able to get past it no matter how much we talk about it.  I know my main issues are how she treated me at that time and then bam…I’m pregnant…it almost felt like she did it to retaliate against me and hurt me although she said that she was really trying to work on her marriage and do what I was encouraging her to do which was to work on her marriage and get her needs met through her husband…so with her actions she was doing this but with her words and deeds towards me she was doing otherwise….. 

My other challenge is that she wants me to be in her kids and husband’s life and I would very much love this but I want to do it at my own pace and don’t want to be pressured into it.  Never the less, every now and again, she will try to create opportunities for this to occur and will make comments about her children as if they are asking about me which is not true because the boy has only seen me twice and once was a week or so ago so the only way he would be inquiring about me is if she is putting inferences in his mind as he doesn’t know me at all to be doing that… 

Not to mention her husband has always been challenged by my presence.  From the initial point she and I became friends and were nothing but friends, he has never cared for me and it was/is obvious.   He says she changes when she is around me and I concur but she doesn’t readily admit this although it’s obvious to me and to him.  Sometimes, I sort of feel like her change is because I am everything she ever wanted in a mate, as she will make remarks at times when her and her husband are at odds that, “I need you in a male form,” or, “I wish he was like you.” Though she says this she will deny this and contend that her love for me as like Jonathan and David in the bible….

Recently I went to my friend’s state on other business and I stayed a few days.  My friend would come to visit me and I would visit her and for the most part things were decent and in order.  At times she would lay on me or grab my hand; this is the first time we have seen each other physically in over a year so I am still striving to figure out where the boundaries reside.  I had to admit I was very uncomfortable.  I sort of feel like my friend doesn’t have to have sex…that really she just truly desires intimacy and since she isn’t getting it in her marriage she is willing to have it at any level.  So to her laying on me or wanting me to hold her or hold her hand is sisterly…I had expressed to her that for me, I needed time to sort out what is an appropriate level of physical contact and for the present moment didn’t want to participate in any at all, but that didn’t stop her from pushing the boundaries I felt was needed.  Nothing happened further than just her laying on me or holding my hand or trying to be close to me in some form but to me it was a subtle representation of past actions….it wasn’t the full blown manipulation but just enough where she could justify it when I brought it up and yes I did bring it up…and she surely justified it. 

She as well sent me a CD of Dr. So and So  preaching about female friendships once I returned home.  It was a powerful message on friendship and how women need other sisters as friends to help them through the journeys of life.  One portion Dr. So and So  spoke about being a single woman and how her friends meet her intimacy needs.  She wasn’t talking about sexually but that when she is struggling as a single women they will be there to talk and walk her through until she is able to stand on her own again.  Well my friend used this to try to tell me it was okay if we held hands and laid on one another and the like….she used it from the angle of me being single and it was okay if I got my intimacy needs met through her since she was my “sisterfriend”….

I have never shared this with anyone as I am a leader in my church and I am the problem bearer for everyone else around me.  So really I have been working out my own salvation on this one…just me and God….

I would truly appreciate your insight…

In His Power,
Minister Laneen A. Haniah
Anavah – the blog owner and author of
The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook
www.victoriouslyfree.org 

Looking for a previous article? Click Here

Would you  like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation? Click Here    

Want to share a testimony? Click Here

Need advice about something? Click Here     

If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please  e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

(Please be advised that if you post a comment to any article on this weblog, you will automatically be added to the mailing list, receiving weekly updates about this site. If you do not want to be automatically added to this list all you have to do is add this phrase in parenthesis at the beginning of your first comment only: “I do not wish to be added to the mailing list”. You only have to add this phrase to the very first comment you post. It will protect you from receiving updates. Thank you for your cooperation. ) ) 

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It took everyone a little while to warm up to this question, but toward the end of the week the comments really started to get interesting. I prayed about it and I feel led in my spirit to leave this question on the table for another week. We have barely scratched the surface on this topic. Let’s see where the Holy Spirit takes us this week.

To post a comment on this topic, please return to the original post at the link below:

Question of the week: Are you a Christian who masturbates? Why or why not?

If you are looking for a previous article it can be found on the Archives page here:

https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/archives/

 If you would like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation, please visit the Born Again page here: https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/how-to-be-saved/         

 If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

(Please be advised that if you post a comment to any article on this weblog, you will automatically be added to the mailing list, receiving weekly updates about this site. If you do not want to be automatically added to this list all you have to do is add this phrase in parenthesis at the beginning of your first comment only: “I do not wish to be added to the mailing list”. You only have to add this phrase to the very first comment you post. It will protect you from receiving updates. Thank you for your cooperation.)  

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I was sent this testimony and question by Wife wanting to Fulfill:

”  I thank you for your testimony…I am emailing you personally to see what you think could be the cause of this [situation] in my life.

I personally did not grow up in a church and I got some of the values but was mixed up on some of the others. My first sexual interest started when I was about six years old… [I watched pornography with my grandfather as I pretended to be sleep.] From sneaking peaks at this I began to masturbate, but I always felt guilty afterwards…I did this for a number of years.

…I did not have sex until I was 14 years old and the only reason I did it was because I ran with a fast group of girls who were younger than me and they kind of clowned me because I was still a virgin, so I made up in my mind that I would lose my virginity before I entered the 10th grade. That was my goal for the summer between the grades. I accomplished my goal, and the guy dumped me. [Then I hooked with some guy that made me do a lot of sexually perverse things and was very controlling; so I broke it off with him]. Then I hooked up with this boy that I hunted down to make mine, and he is the one that had my heart for a long time. Come to find out that I took his virginity. …We broke up because I was super jealous and I tried to get back with him, but to no avail.

Then someone asked me to come to their church…They gave us (the youth) a lot of restrictions at that church like not listening to certain music, etc. So I met a guy one day and got his number and had sex with him because I thought that it would give me the opportunity to not be accountable to that church…

I went to college and during my summer breaks I broke loose for the first two years having more sexual partners than I ever wanted to have, but at the same time I was still messing with the guy who had my heart (the one whose virginity that I took). I had it bad for him and since I couldn’t have him the way I wanted him, I would sleep with all these guys who I found attractive. I had no problems with sex back then. I then had a baby with another guy. Once I did this my life changed as far as party-wise but I was still looking for love in all the wrong places. My child’s father cheated on me and so after a couple of years of that I wanted to break up with him and I found somebody to cheat with so that I could easily break up with him. I…ended up getting pregnant [by another guy and I had my child’s father take me to get an abortion]. He and I got back together but I knew that I didn’t want to be with him. He went to jail, I went to church and when he got out of jail, he went to church with me. During those first four weeks of going to church, I dedicated my life to God, and saw Jesus like I never knew Him. At the onset, the first week of being saved I told myself that I had to get over the guy who [had gotten me pregnant- a co-worker], so I called him up and had sex with him. When I did that I knew that it was for me to be celibate, because I had no desire when I was with the guy… The Lord began to show me that my child’s father was not the one for me, and He told me to let him go. I had a hard time with that, because I was very lonely at that time. But I did it, after giving my life to Christ for seven months I broke up with my child’s father.

Somewhere about a month or two later, I get a call from my first love …and for some reason I believe the Holy Spirit was telling me not to visit him, but I did anyway. I got caught up in a web of [sexual] activity because I always had feelings for him. I saw that he was not saved, yet I thought that God would work it out, so I kept praying for him. I even saw him doing some way-out drugs but I figured God will work it out. At the time, I had HPV, and we had sex once without a condom, well it came to a point that God began speaking to me and then He told me to sacrifice my Isaac and that its to be done by telling the truth. This completely flipped my first love out. He was upset! We went to the clinic together but there was no more of us together after that incident. I ended up talking to him a few months down the road and was at his assistance for oral sex, yet I found him with another girl the next week. We were over after that, but I didn’t want to let him go.

After this incident, really not even a week I ran into one of my former co-workers and began a sexual relationship with him. He was working a job and somehow I got it in my head, that yeah I seen him at church before, he has to be doing something good in his life…This relationship put me in a tizzy because I knew that I was acting out of what I wanted and I was trying to make something happen between us. I went to many prayer partners and groups for deliverance of my sexual sin. But I was no longer wrapped into the sex, I was wrapped into a man in my mind that I knew I was going to marry, yet he was not looking for a relationship.

…I met my husband (S) while I was still with this guy, at new members class…One night I and asked (S) if he wanted a ride home. He accepted and said that he must repay me, by taking me out for ice cream… (S) told me about how he was homeless at the moment…He told me that he only had forty dollars to his name. I begin to think, wow that’s a struggle. And he bought me ice cream when he is going through such a trying time. This event showed me that the guy who I was sleeping with didn’t care anything about me, he didn’t take me out for ice cream and he had a job, a well-paying job and he took me nowhere never suggested anything. So I knew that I was getting the bad end of the stick. That’s when I really began to ask God to purge me from that relationship…

I didn’t make our breakup official until … before the New Year in 2004. At the same time (S) was pursuing me, although I kept telling him that I have to deal with me, it’s just me and God. He would keep calling… so I would continue to talk to him. He told me that he would marry me, but he had just got laid off … Then (S) and I had sex for the first time. I really did not want to fornicate this time around… I felt guilty every time that it happened. I felt guilty when I had sex with the selfish guy too.

(S) and I got married about a year after that, more like 11 months later. And ever since then it has been hard for me to get into our lovemaking. I have battles with it, like why is he bothering me. Or because he wants to have sex only when I am enjoying it and if I don’t look like it, then he’s not happy. I just can’t get myself to get into it. I don’t really know why. The Lord told me that it was not helping my marriage to visit the myspace page of my first love…But this is crazy because today is the closest I came to seeking somebody else for some advice about the whole ordeal, and guess what happens? (S) goes to the strip club for the first time in our marriage… It makes me think that as I surrendered my going to the myspace page to try to work out my husband’s and I sexual encounters in marriage that he then ends up in the strip club. What is up with this? Is this all spiritual, or am I just a disobedient child that needs to be spanked?

So this was her main question to me: 

I am a recently married woman and mother of an 8 year old. I am having trouble with joy in sex now that I am in a Marriage Covenant. Before I was saved, I had sex with many people freely and did not think about it. Once I came to Christ, I had two sexual partners consectively while I was still single and I always felt guilt. That guilt in sex has transpired into my marriage, not as guilt but as an unwillingness to really enjoy sex. Its not that I am being stubborn, I just don’t ever really feel like having sex. What is wrong with what I am doing?”

Please see my comment to Wife wanting to Fulfill in the comments to this post.

If you are looking for a previous article it can be found on the Archives page here:

https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/archives/

 If you would like to become a born again believer in Yeshua/Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation, please visit the Born Again page here: https://christiansexuality.wordpress.com/how-to-be-saved/         

 If you are interested in being a moderator or author for this weblog please e-mail me at laneenhaniah@victoriouslyfree.org     

(Please be advised that if you post a comment to any article on this weblog, you will automatically be added to the mailing list, receiving weekly updates about this site. If you do not want to be automatically added to this list all you have to do is add this phrase in parenthesis at the beginning of your first comment only: “I do not wish to be added to the mailing list”. You only have to add this phrase to the very first comment you post. It will protect you from receiving updates. Thank you for your cooperation.)   

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This article has been moved. All of the insightful and encouraging corresponding comments have also been moved. The new and improved blog page can be viewed at http://drintimacy.wordpress.com/2011/10/24/are-you-a-christian-who-masturbates/

Please use the above link to read and comment on this topic. If you posted a comment on this article previously, you will find your comment at the new location soon. Thanks so much for your interest.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a holistic perspective – spirit, soul and body

drintimacy@drintimacy.com

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This is another sad story of how sexual perversion can ruin someone’s life. A married city councilman committed suicide over the weekend. He apparently could not face the consequences of his actions. He was accused of molesting two teenage girls and sexually harrassing another woman.

I believe that it was the spirit of sexual fantasy that drove this man over the edge. This is a quote from my book, The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook, about the spirit of pornography/sexual fantasy:

” Although the spirit of sexual fantasy can cause you to isolate yourself, it can also drive you to seek out fulfillment of your fantasies.

Whatever it is that you are fantasizing about, whether it is child molestation, rape, sex with animals, homosexuality, and etcetera – if you are drawn deep enough into the fantasy, you will become detached enough from reality to think that you can do it and still be in control. Sexual fantasy can get so bad that it can lead you into a state of psychosis where the real world ceases to exist for you. You will get to the point that you are committing all types of crazy and dangerous, possibly illegal acts without realizing the consequences or affects of those acts. You will be completely unaware of what is going on around you in the real world because the act itself is of no significance to you. It is the fantasy that you are playing out, that consists of the act, that is driving you and bringing you pleasure.

This is such a dangerous, dangerous spirit. If you are bound by this spirit, whether in the form of pornography or sexual fantasy, if you still have enough presence of mind to understand what I am saying, I beg you to put this book down right now and repent. Ask Jesus to save you from this spirit! You could be just days or even moments away from completely losing your grip on reality; destined to rot away in insanity like so many lost souls wandering the streets homeless and behaving strangely.”

Pornography and sexual fantasy is a very, very serious vice. Please don’t take it lightly. One of the side effects of this spirit is depression. Reality cannot live up to the fantasies and it causes “real life” to therefore be very disappointing and depressing. This spirit can take you into a dark place that you may never escape! If you need help in this area, let’s talk about it. 

If you want to read the article about the city councilman, follow this link:http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,296180,00.html

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