I received a post today from a lady that said, “I by no means was the wife that I was supposed to be but I still to this day don’t believe that I deserved to be cheated on.”
That causes me to pose a question: When a husband or wife cheats, is the other spouse to blame? Are they to blame completely in some cases? Only to some degree in some cases? Or never in any case?
I don’t know of any place I can go in scripture off hand to support an opionion to one extent or the other. So let me speak out of my own personal experience for a moment.
I was involved in numerous adulterous affairs (thank God this happened before I got married. I have been faithful to my husband). What I found though were some very consistent and common complaints that men had about their wives. Now I certainly don’t believe that if a spouse cheats that the person’s husband or wife is totally at fualt for their act of adultery. However, I do believe that marriage is a partnership and I don’t think that cheating “just happens”.
Yes – the person who cheated did make a decision to do something wrong and must be held accountable for thier actions. At the same time, how come the person’s spouse could not see the writing on the wall and intervene? Why could they not have done whatever was necessary to be the vessel of healing and deliverance that their spouse needed them to be before the adulterous affair occurred?
Like I said in one of my previous posts, marriage is a bloody, life-giving sacrifice! I believe that there are seasons in every marriage when one particular spouse is put on the altar for the other and it is a time of severe death as he or she makes that sacrifice. During that time of death, the spouse that is being delievered may not even appreciate the sacrifice, but it makes it none the less your responsibility to make it, as this is what marriage requires of a person. If you are not ready to go through many seasons of painful death, then don’t get married!
Anyway, what is your belief concerning the above questions: is the cheating spouse to blame, the non-cheating spouse, or both?
20 Comments
I think both spouses are to blame, christian or non-christian because you are still both human beings that already have an innate instinct of right and wrong. Respect, honor, loyalty, love and commitment (which all require self sacrifice at some point in the relationship) are just a part of being a human and being involved in relationship which are the things that are broken when infidelty takes place. The fact that the infidelty takes place is evident that these things are not being upheld in the relationship on both sides if internal examination by both parties is done truthfully, the signs given are are just manifestations of this. In the face of the breach in the relationship, if both parties are willing, I do believe it can be repaired.
NO!
Thank you for this post. I was just found out of cheating on my wife and don’t know what to do. You’re post has helped me realize that I need God’s forgiveness and also my wife’s forgiveness.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but you’re post gave me some hope of reconciliation.
God bless.
I think both are to be blame. Though it seems that the one cheated should bear more responsibilites…but well, who are we to judge?
Dear Anonymous,
I just wanted to encourage you in your current trial. I have been away from my blog for a time. I gave birth on the day that you left me this message and am just now seeing it today. I pray that your wife will forgive you and just as importantly that you will forgive yourself. I hope that you have severed all ties with the person you were having the affair with. You cannot move forward until you cut all ties. Please consider ordering a copy of The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook and the teaching CDs. I think it will help you alot. You and your wife can read it together too. It will help her forgive you. You can order it at http://www.victoriouslyfree.org.
You will be in my prayers,
Anavah
Hello. I am a christian woman who is having an affair. I do blame my husband for this affair. Not entirely….I made the choice. But I made this choice because of the choices my husband made. He told me he didn’t want or need my love. He told me he didn’t need me. He rejected me sexually. He also made no time for me.
For those of you who feel that only the cheating spouse is to blame or be held responsible: BE CAREFUL to safeguard your marriage. There is a reason God tells us to give ourselves willingly to our partners. There is a reason God says for a man to love his wife like Christ loved the church.
I am not excusing my sinful choice but please understand that we can steer others into sin with the choices we make.
HI all
i just got to learn this words from the bible, it say Husband Loves your wife(FUllstop)
Wife submit to your Husband(fullstop)
if one will to ponder on these sentence which end at a fullstop,
does it mean husband must just have to continues loving his wife even she does not submit, husband just have to keep loving her until she see it and will submit, don’t you think so.
Just like Jesus (God Loves has no conditions at all) becuase He first love us, (and He really mean He Love us) so no matter what we do, obey or disobey he still love us and will forgive us right.
Sorry why am i sharing this, it is becuase i am also facing the marriage problem unitl someone just share with me about this verse and at first i thought his thinking is so simple but as i went back and keep thinking of what the verse mean and why it stop there (Husband Love your wife) and not going into detail i start to realise actually we fall and we sin and we want our ways and pride and becuase our wife does not want to submit to us so we start to fool around to proof her we are man. we forget that we had chosen to love her before we marriage her but after marriage we started to take things for granted and we forgot what love actually mean and we became self center and that where satan take this apportunity to make us fall into templation. Now after seeing the words clearly and understanding that God Love is actually no conditon attach at all i realise all the mistake was me who started because i did not die to Chirst i alway think i am still myself. Jesus came to die for us because He Love us, even at the cross he could easily command the angel to take care of the soldiers and the crowd mobbing at him but He just obey His Father and bare the strips and suffering to save us. He suffered for us whom He had no sin just because He chose to Love us and is willing to do anything for us. God is really Great His Love is really mighty whereas our so call ‘I love you’ is just at the moment when we have what we wanted but when testing come our love turn into hatred and enemy, so sad.
Sorry i just got to realise my biggest fall, because when i received Christ as my Savior(30 yrs ago) i overlook alot of things and do not understand fully about God Love and now wondering did I really accepted Christ in the first place why am i not know.
Going to Divorce husband useless and good for nothing fellow
I found out during a marriage conference/retreat that my wife had had an affair. I asked her, and she came clean. I can explain it in no other way than this. God manifested His grace in my life at that moment like no time before (other than when He saved me by His grace). Immediately, I forgave her. She was broken, I was broken. I had always wondered, but not to the extent of suspicion and mistrust. But something that night made me ask, and she knew as well that it was coming out that night. When my worst fear was confirmed, God touched me. She and I would work it out.
Now, I still hurt deeply, and I may for the rest of my days. I just don’t know. She was a virgin when we married. She is quiet, humble, and has never rebelled before. As we have reflected on the situation, there are a few places of blame on both of our parts. They are as follows:
1) She had been taking antidepressants. They numbed her to alot of things. Though she was “happier”, she wasn’t herself. She quit these cold-turkey a month or so prior to this revelation.
2) There simply was not the kind of communication that MUST be in a marriage. With 2 kids, 2 careers, etc etc, we neglected the time to be married to one another. Without communication from both sides, a marriage is nothing but a business relationship that keeps up house payments and babysits kids. I feel I am mostly to blame for this part. She did not share how her mind and heart were, and though I would ask, I did not persist or be consistent.
3) Not praying together. This was our fundamental flaw. Husbands and wives who do not pray together are playing with fire. With bills, kids, jobs and the “business” of this world’s pace, prayer is a no-brainer that often gets overlooked and neglected.
4) Satan hates marriage. period. He will do what he can to destroy the one thing that models Christ and the Church. He can’t touch Christ, and he can’t touch the Church (Believers, not walls), so he attacks the closest thing that represents them.
There are other things that led to this, I am sure, but the above are the main ones we talked about and concluded.
By the way, two days after I found this out, we talked about it, and we agreed that she should call him and tell him. After a few minutes, I was on the phone with him as well. I DO NOT say this in a prideful or boastful way, because I know I would be incapable of this in and of myself, but I told him that I forgive him too (which I did), and that I love him and would pray for him. He is lost, and needs witnessing. God helped me deal with the situation properly. This guy is an acquaintance of mine as well, so we know one another to an extent, and I do not want to see him remain lost. It is my prayer that the way God helped me handle him will make an impression. He knows where I stand, and he knows how I was able to forgive him.
If nothing else is gleaned from this, remember one thing. Jesus forgave us. We should…rather, we HAVE TO forgive others.
God bless.
In my case there was no hand writing on the wall. He kept it to himself and lead a double life so to speak until he could not take the guilt any longer.
I was there for him in every way, emotionally, physically you name it. Hell I even lent him money for legal fees. Six weeks later he says “I”m not happy, and I”m outta here” moved in with the other woman and her child, while leaving me and our twins behind.
They say most men don’t leave their families for the other woman, mine did, will he come home? I have no clue.
The immediate reaction of the cheating individual is to blame anyone they can, and that is often their spouse. In most cases the sexual acting out (cheating), is due to much deeper emotional issues that may or may not be related to the marriage.
Certain circumstances can help bolster the sexual stupidity, but it is always the underlying emotional issues that are to blame for the acting out. Most spouses are blameless in the situation and are only blames because they make a convenient scapegoat.
Thank you outofsin for ‘vocalizing’ this truth. Women are always blaming themselves for their husband’s poor choices.
My husband’s been cheating off and on for the 6 years we’ve been married. I left him to his nonsense a few years ago but returned believe things would change. They did for a little while and then here we are again. For a long time, I blamed myself for not being what he needs in a wife but after really looking at who I am and how I was with him, I learned to stop blaming myself and find the root of the issue.
Can you imagine a husband getting emotionally involved with someone else a month after being married? I feel I did everything for this man. He had even said, “you haven’t change, it’s me and I’m just not attracted to you.” I was beside myself because I committed so much to the relationship.
At any rate, the way he’s come to describe what he’s dealing with is… This is an emotional thing that comes and goes. He actually compared it to Herpes [which I thought was gross]; how there are times when you have a breakout and when the illness lies dormant. He feels he has some kind of emotional illness that can’t be cured. But he won’t get help; he won’t get counsel and he won’t talk to his family about it. I’m the one always looking for solutions and when I feel I’ve found something helpful, he won’t pursue it.
So after years of putting up with his depression, his sadness, his selfishness, I’m still here. Sometimes I wonder why but at this point…we have a beautiful newborn baby and I don’t want to ruin her life by leaving or telling him to leave. BUT, I can’t continue to put up with him if this is how he’s going to be. He was cheating while I was pregnant and I suspected something was up [because I know the behaviors at this point]. Turns out I was right. He was having an affair, going to see this girl various times in my car, taking her out with my money and then coming home to me like nothing. One night, he was very rough in bed and I prayed to the Lord that He would not let him ‘finish’ if this it was a lust spirit. And you know he did not – and he was very frustrated as a result. Then I knew my husband needed to be delivered from lust. Let’s not even touch on the issue that he’d been with another woman. While I wanted to be furious with him, 1. I was pregnant so I didn’t want to cause stress on the baby; 2. I chose to trust God. I just kept asking God for wisdom in how to deal with him. He gave me love for my lying and cheating husband and a peace that until this day I don’t understand. I have to laugh. But at the same time, He caused me to try and see my husband’s perspective. I spoke with the young lady who felt I was stupid for staying with him [because she knows what she did with my husband].
the problem with all of this is that at the time, my husband was pastoring a new church. I interpret God’s peace as telling me He’s going to take care of it. Well, sadly, the church stopped growing and dwindled to the point of no one coming at all. I had to convince my husband that because of his choices – not just cheating but that was the huge one – the ministry was not ‘in the blessing’. God was not blessing his efforts, which were vast. It was amazing. I don’t think I’d seen anyone fail so miserably before. I’d been telling him that we need to be in our mother church but he wouldn’t listen. He wanted to keep going and was digging a hole for himself that I seemed to be the only one who saw. His mother thought I was being to hard on him; the leaders thought he should keep going – God will see him through his trial; etc. When the money ran out; we couldn’t continue paying for the location and musician, he finally decided it was time to ‘close up shop’ so to speak. We’d spend countless dollars on promotions, offerings, helping the people we were serving; gas, time. We’d even moved to the area to be closer to the people we were ministering to. All the while, I knew my husband wasn’t making the best choices but he wouldn’t listen to what I had to say. I had to just be the supportive spouse, once again. So here we are, far from our families with a new baby and a failed church in the community we were serving.
He finally called the people to explain why we are no longer there at the church. To his embarrassment, they’d gone to visit and found out on their own.
My thing here with all his decisions is, how long do I have to continue here knowing that he is not walking in obedience to the Word of God in several areas. He won’t seek help. How long will this continue before he is delivered or I am ‘free’ to move on with our child? I do not want our baby to suffer from his poor choices. She must grow up with solid values and morals.
I wouldn’t want to stay together just for the sake of the baby. I feel if we ’stick it out’ or decide to stay together, I would want it to be because we really love each other and see the value of allowing our love and marriage to be healed.
Outofsin,
I agreed with everything you said until you said, “Most spouses are blameless in the situation”.
This is simply not true. No spouse should be used as a scapegoat when one commits adultery. However, those deep underlying emotional issues that you are talking about, well they become a persons responsibility once a marriage covenant is formed. Every man or woman comes into marriage with some type of baggage and it is indeed the responsibility of a person’s husband or wife to help unpack and put away that baggage. This is a time-consuming, draining and tedious process that causes death of self-will, denial and a life of consecration and prayer – 3 things which most spouses are not wholeheartedly willing to sacrifice. This unwillingness to sacrifice is what eventually paves the way to adultery in a marriage and thus both spouses are to blame.
I think a greater issue is that a lot of people are marrying people that they don’t have any business being with in the first place. They are therefore unable to help their spouse with those deep underlying emotional needs – they aren’t equipped for the job. But is it not your fault if you get out of God’s will and marry someone that He did not intend for you to marry? So even if a spouse is willing but unable to help their husband or wife and thus cheating eventually occurs, both parties are still to blame. God never gives us an assignment without FIRST fully equipping us to successfully complete said assignment, so if a person can’t handle their spouses baggage it is indicative of a marriage that should not have been formed.
Other than that, adultery only occurs when you just have two people that are hard-hearted, prideful, self-centered and unwilling to die to self.
No matter how the cookie crumbles, it still puts both spouses at fault to at least some degree.
Dear Dana,
I am so sorry for your situation. It really does sound like a siutation where you married out of God’s will. It is likely that you and your husband committed fornication before marriage, which I believe is one of the number one reasons that adultery occurs in marriage. That spirit of fornication and lust that tempts couples and entices them into fornication before marriage lingers stays with the couple and then manifest as adultery (which ultimately is just another form of fornication).
At any rate, you need some Biblical counsel. I want to direct you to an article I wrote that clearly outlined scripture for your situation. The article is entitled, “Should I leave my cheating husband”. I think reading this will really give you some helpful insight.
With Love,
Anavah
When a spouse cheats and commits adultery, it is a personal choice.
the offended one will no doubt feel they had nothing to do with it
but, ultimately they have to take responsibility for their action or inaction as well
a certain website blames the man in the marriage fully
and casts the success or the failure of the marriage on him
if the woman commits adultery it’s because of the way the man treats her
if the man commits adultery, it’s because he has a character flaw,
he’s even stated that Hosea is responsible for Gomer’s adultery, and a clear reading of the bible would reveal that, obviously she had this problem before they were married, as Hosea did as God commanded by taking an adulterous wife,,right wing religion such as this should be avoided and a true search of the scriptures should be undertaken.
ultimately we are all responsible for our actions,,no matter how little responsibility we want to take for them or who we want to blame.
Divorce is never right, and although you may get through the legal process and be finished with it,,,the lasting effects of divorce never go away
I believe once a person cheats they will continue to cheat no matter who they are dating or married too. It is a character flaw and weakness in the person who cheats. They need to pick up their Bible and see what scripture says about adulterous affairs and divorce and the consequences that will scriptually apply to the cheater. Cheaters take the easy way out by blaming others for their behavior. I’ve heard it a million times, my wife doesn’t understand me or she never gives me sex. Bull. Just remember if he was cheating on his wife or girlfriend when he met you. He will cheat on you.
isn’t it funny what we all “believe”?
and we do it all without “proof”
when one spouse ignores the pleadings of the other, because they think they’re right or that the other is wrong, the die has been cast for disaster
and I’ve seen that happen over and over again
marriage is a lifetime commitment,(matt 19)
regardless of what others say,
God does not endorse a divorce
and we can “edit” the scriptures to make them say whatever we want them to say,,,
at least that’s what I see happening anymore,,
it’s convenient,,,
but, is it “rightly dividing the word of truth?”
Hi,
All of the posts are interesting to read and give much insight.
My son’s wife is having an internet affair and he has been so hurt and feels
betrayed. They have 7 children ranging from13 years to 15 months. He is seeking the Lord in a greater way – it has put him on his knees more-which is a good place. She is pushing for a
divorce and he is not complying at the
moment because he wants to save his
marriage. He is waiting on the Lord.
I believe she may have had some post
partum depression after the last child
because she just went to bed and refuses
to clean hous, cook or have anything to do with him. She finally got blood work done last week (waiting results) to see if she has a hormonal imbalance. She
spends hours and hours on the internet playing games and communicating with this man. The children know about it also. She said she was burned out after
having all of these children-she has
chosen the wrong way to deal with it.
This sounds like a very serious situation but God can fix anything. I will email you personally about this and see what I can do to help. Hugs.
“…Is the other spouse to blame?”
That, I’m not sure of. I think that in most cases, if someone in a relationship cheats, it’s because they feel that there is something missing. And I also think it depends on the people. Some cases are different. But even so I’m not going to try to justify it. But I’m just trying to point out a different point of view.
I’m not married, however I am in a relationship. And I’m ashamed to admit that I cheated on him. My boyfriend and I were going through a rough spot and I had met another guy. We started out as friends and enjoyed each other’s company. But as time went on it started to become a little more. My boyfriend and I are both christian and we also are strongly against premarital sex. And even though I cheated I still stuck by that. I was involved with this guy for a while. And in the beginning I felt that while it wasn’t the right thing to do, I wanted to feel happy, and needed to feel wanted. But after time went by my feelings of guilt began to grow stronger.
I had tried to break it off with the other person numerous times. But I was so worried that he would tell that I couldn’t bring myself to end it. (Talk about no will power). But eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand seeing my boyfriend so sad that I was spending so much time with another guy. I broke off contact with the other guy. And every day I wake up and I just hate who I am for wronging him like that, and I pray every night for forgiveness. I haven’t been able to tell my boyfriend. I realized that I have already hurt him enough, and telling him that would just destroy him. He’s the sweetest guy (in my opinion) and I admit he deserves better. But I love him so much. And surprisingly, during my time with the other guy I realized that. Before that I hadn’t fully realized just how much I loved my boyfriend.
Now I strive to be the best person I can be to my boyfriend. But just the fact that I was spending so much time with another guy had hurt him so much. I can’t bear to think of what would happen to him if he found out what I did. I realize that what I did was extremely wrong, and in answer to the original topic; in some cases some of the blame can and/or should be placed on the other spouse, but the majority of it should be placed on the one at fault. In my case I know it was all my fault. And I pray that the Lord will find it in himself to forgive me. Knowing that will help make the guilt a little more bearable.
Do you think I am wrong in not telling my boyfriend?
Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. Can i make suggestion to you? Please order the book “STDs: Sexually Transmitted Demons”. I think it will help you see where you are. In terms of you and your boyfriend, yes it is wrong not to tell him. If you two get married you are almost certain to end up in divorce court if you begin your relationship this way. Please get the book. It will really help you.
Thanks