During this time when many in the Body of Christ are saddened over the recent events that took place in the marriages of Juanita Bynum and Paula White, it is a time during which we need to reflect. For those of you that have been living in a time capsule somewhere and do not know what has happened; Bynum was brutally assaulted by her husband Thomas Weeks and Paula and Randy White have announced their pending divorce. I don’t care to mull over the details of the events. There are plenty of websites that you can go to for all of the gory details. Instead, I would like to ponder the state of marriage in the Church and in the mindset of society.
When it was suddenly my turn to become part of the number of those married, I entered into marriage cocky, thinking that my husband and I knew everything that we needed to know. We laughed at the idea of marital counseling. GOD had spoken to us – enough said! Because I had been used in the past as a vessel and oracle of wisdom for other married couples, I really felt ready. What a jerk I was! It didn’t take long into the marriage for me to realize that I myself was in need of counseling. I learned that having knowledge did not innately give me the ability to apply it. I learned that receiving a revelation was a far cry from understanding it! My point is that all of my knowledge on marriage didn’t mean jack! I was just as clueless as the next couple. The fact that my husband and I were recognized prophets did absolutely nothing to help us overcome our marital struggles. We had to face each challenge day by day like any other couple does and our self-proclaimed piety made it no easier.
It almost seems like people in the Church don’t acknowledge the reality of marriage. This is especially true for those in leadership positions. I believe this is one reason that the divorce rate amongst Christians is climbing daily. We think some supernatural grace is going to overtake us and smoothly guide us through a marriage without effort. When that doesn’t happen, we are often times unequipped to deal with the reality of our challenges. But then who cares anyway? If it doesn’t work out, we’ll just get a divorce. God doesn’t mind! Divorce has become the new abortion. Just like abortion seems to be the number one method of birth control now-a-days, divorce seems to be the number one method of relationship control.
Society has sold us a fairytale. Society presents an image of marriage that is as plastic and fake as the bride and groom on top of a wedding cake! The marriage ideal that saying “I do” will immediately bring bliss and joy into your life is a false one. We hardly consider the destiny of two people coming together. We don’t even ask ourselves if they will be able to fulfill a purpose that is greater than themselves as individuals. All we consider is whether or not they look good together and are they “in love”. In order to be “in love” you to “put in time”! No one is in love when they get married because being in love requires being one in each other and that can only happen with careful effort and hard work over time after a marriage commitment has been made. Marriage is not about bliss and joy. It’s about a Kingdom Destiny. It is a bloody, life-giving sacrifice that destroys you as an individual until you and your spouse become one – a united, destiny-fulfilling vessel for God’s Kingdom. The joy and bliss that we often speak of is the reward we get for our sacrifice, but it is not a given. It has to be earned.
This is why there is so much divorce: Because people are self-serving and therefore don’t want to die to self. Christians are no longer interested in the Destiny of the Kingdom and the Will of the Father. They just want to have a trophy on their arm, avoid loneliness and cover their struggles with sexual perversion through the legal sex that comes with marriage. That is why so many people say “We’ve just grown apart. We are going in different directions.” This is only said when either 1) You two never had a destiny together in the first place and now your separate destinies are pulling you apart or 2) You are too selfish, prideful, self-centered and hard-hearted to die in order to fulfill your Kingdom destiny together as a couple! And ‘irreconcilable differences’? Please, give me a break! Christ is compatible with Christ – therefore how can any two people that have committed themselves to taking on the nature of Christ be incompatible with one another? Is Jesus supposed to be schizophrenic or something; is he fighting against himself? I think not!
OK, I know I have probably ruffled some feathers so let me stop here. Just give me some feed back on this. What is your understanding of marriage? Why do you think there is so much divorce going on in the church? If you disagree with me, I want to know why. I only caution you to not speak specifically of Juanita or Paula. My words have been spoken in general and are not directed toward anyone in particular and I don’t want yours to be either. I brought them up only as a point of reflection but I want to focus on the bigger picture now. Any post that speaks directly of Bynum or White will not be posted. This will not become a gossip column. So anyway, what’s the deal? Where do you stand on the whole ‘divorce in the church’ issue?
I am no longer accepting new comments on this post. If you would to post on the issue of marriage, divorce or Juantia and Thomas Weeks please comment in one of the following posts which can all be found on the archives page:
When a spouse cheats, is the other spouse to blame?
Bishop Thomas Weeks Suspended from Ministry
Is Divorce “Permissable” After Adultery, or Is It “Required”?
Masturbation can ruin your marital sex life!
Juanita Bynum and Thomas Weeks Speak Out (and it ain’t good).
42 Comments
I am a 55 year old woman who has been married & faithful to my husband for 36 years. I was 18 when I got married. We have had some hard times, but I never in a million years would have dreamed my husband would divorce me. I thought he loved me,& “how do you just quit loving someone”? It is harder than if he had died. It is excuciatingly painful. I am a Christian & if I didn’t have the women that I have reaching out to me, I don’t know what I’d be doing right now. I have been the whole gabit of emotions. I just call out to Jesus moment by moment. He will NEVER leave me. Praise the Lord.
How long ago did this happen? Has enough time passed for you to acess what happened? You have to help us out Laura. We need the wisdom to learn how to avoid these tragedies. WHAT WAS THE DESTINY OF YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND AS A MARRIED COUPLE AND WAS IT FULFILLED?
On divorce in the church – I couldn’t agree more. Selfishness is at the heart of this problem. I don’t know if the problem lies in the teachings that seem to be coming from our pulpits or what, but it seems many in the body of Christ have come to have distorted perceptions of themselves. Many seem to think they have such a unique calling that they think of their spouse not as a partner and co-laborer to be loved and cherished but as someone given to them by God to please and help them become who they think God wants them to be. When the spouse does not fulfill that role based on whatever arbitrary standard, they want a divorce. I believe this grieves the heart of God because in essence it amounts to the glorification of self. We desperately need to get over ourselves; it is no longer us that live but Christ . . .
Wow! What awesome insight Shephard. There is no doubt in my mind that part of the problem lies in the teachings that are coming from the distorted self-images that stand behind our pulpits today.
My prayer is that people will be reminded that we all have trials and tribulations. Ms. Bynum and her husband and the White’s need Christians to really pray for restoration in thier lives. This is not a time for critiscism and speculation. The body of Christ needs to pray.
Where are the Fathers and the Mothers in Christ? We need them for spiritual guidiance in our homes. Certainly, they have being there through thick and thin, with “peseverance” – fine tuned as grace.
Marriage in the Christiandom has become like that of the celebrities. Wow, who is our Focus? come on! Jesus died for us and, he has promised he would come back. Well, if in reality we are to put checks and balances, we would see that we have not kept our side of our bagain according to the price he paid.
The Word is essentail to overcome the enemy. Please, don’t let us loose sight of our mentors or Fathers like e.g Rev. Billy Graham (though, he’s aged) but without any doubt, he has lived an exemplary life. What about our Mothers in Christ e.g Mama Winnas!
In conclusion, we need to raise the banner of prayer for evey home and trust that God would avenge for us all. It is well.
(This comment has been edited by a moderator for posting.) My wife and I have been married for 29 years. We have pastored a church for 16 year with her being the pastor. How can God call a husband to pastor a church and the wife to pastor another? God has called us to work together. If God has called us he has called us together. It is not good for husband and wife to live apart. God has put us together. God is first in my life, my wife comes before the church. If the church is causing our relationship to fall apart I would have to give the church up. My wife is my all next to Christ. This leaves me to think what could motivate me to separate myself from her? It could only mean money. How can we justify taking the amount of money that some of the people are taking? Or should I say most people? I hear the $ amounts and find it unthinkable. How much does it take? Take the $ and spread the gospel. The gospel for those who don’t know is the virgin birth, sinless life, the resurrection of Christ Jesus. We hear more about a prosperous life than we do about a consecrated life. Christ will supply all my needs according to (his) riches in glory. If the all these ministers would take this thought they would see things different. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ is not everything.
Like I said in my initial post Michelle, my comments are not directed toward Bynum and her husband or the Whites. We should definitely all be praying for them and I will not allow anyone to gossip or denegrate them in this blog. The purpose of this blog is to gain insight into the problem of divorce that exists in the church. I remind all bloggers to please refrain from specifying your comments toward those leaders in the news. There are plenty of other blogs you can go to if you want to rag on them. I want to talk about the problem of divorce in the Chruch.
Next year will be our 26th wedding anniversary. Got married at 19, brand new in the military. With the help of God we’ve raised four children and continue to grow in grace and the work of the Lord. It saddens my heart to hear of Christians divorcing. It’s especially tough to witness Pastors going through this ordeal. Both situations w/ the Whites and Juanita and her husband are heart felt. While the church prays, we should also enter into self examination. Speculations and rumors will surface, some true and mostlikely unture, but we as the body of Christ must examine our own walk and motives to ensure we’re not on a similar path. Some may not be facing divorce in the future, but other things maybe brewing if we don’t take heed to the warning signs and the Spirit of God. Not doubting their sincerity or walk w/ the Lord, but we must remember our lives and motives must pattern the Word. The energy we use to reach for the stones should be redirected towards self examination in accordance w/ God’s word. As we continue to receive God’s new mercy each morning we wake throughout life, we will undoubtly witness more Christian leaders or dear brothers/sisters in Christ being overtaken by setbacks. Let’s examine ourselves first and help restore. Don’t substitute charisma for character, be the salt of the earth.
I was married before I knew the Lord Jesus and that marriage ended in complete failure after I became a christian. However I know that God is a God of a second chance. I remarried eight (8) years ago to a wonderful woman who is also a believer. We have been growing closer to God and to each other because we believe that God has put us together for a purpose. To help the younger ones in the church who may be having problems in their marriage relationships is part of the reason. Marriage is hard work. Love is a doing word It is a verb and we have to continually work at it. We only grow apart if we are not working on the relationship and also God must be an important part of this union. While the problem of divorce continues to exist,the church should examine the factors surrounding this problem. I believe that people go into marriage with a fairy tale like idea instead of facing the reality that there will be differences of opinion etc. all things that must be worked on. I pray for my wife, we minister to each other and we take our problems to Him in prayer, this makes a BIG difference. God always works things out for us.
Amen to Alan Burton, JB Brown and Michael. I am so glad to be hearing from brothers and sisters out there who have marriages that are working out! Mine is too. I have been married for eight years. It is a death walk but the rewards are rich when the effort is put in!
It breaks my heart to hear of a man of God and a woman of God getting a divorce. It sometimes hinders the witness that we have to the world the power of God; in spite of signs, wonders, and miracles. My prayer is that Believers continue to put their trust in God and that Unbelievers have something to look forward to. As a woman, I still believe in the beautiful institution of marriage that God designed. As we follow God’s plan we can sure that love and marriage will never fail.
I Corinthians 13 for life,
Karen
http://www.myspace.com/livingpasstheorgasm.com
I often look at the statistics of christian divorces and it is staggering and almost discouraging and times for me as a single young woman. I am waiting on the Lord for the husband he brings me but I often look at other chrisitan marriages and wonder if mine would end up in divorce, infedility or any other major issue. I cant help saying, “Oh Lord I am doing the things your way, please reward my faithfulness with a blessed and peaceful marriage without it turning out like such and such’s”. I guess i expect a perfect marriage but now I see that thats impossible since human nature is involved. I guess im just baffled when spouses who God has brought together ends tragically or when abuse or another tragic incidents in the relationship occur. Thats why so many people nowadays dont even want to get married. But im trying to hold to Gods promise that marriage is indeed blessed and good and that the Bible’s stance on divorce is the truth no matter how we may feel or try to justify it.
I pray that there is peace in my household and that me and my spouse will be willing to conform to Christ so that we can love each other like Christ said we should…. i just hardly see any examples out there, thats all. I pray God will make my marriage one.
-Lakisha
It crushed my heart to think of what has happened. I was really active in our local church. Took prayer classes, bible classes, and attended every service. I did not want to miss anything that God had for me. I knew His calling was for me in the music ministry. I went on vacation away from the busy schedules and really heard His voice. It was if I looked back and finally saw how far I left my husband behind, like I was moving away from him. And I knew that it did not give God any glory in the state of my marriage. I acted in faith what He called me to do. It is weird but I understood that I cannot be successful in any ministry that he calls me into unless I get my foundation (home-life) in order. I need to be beside my husband, encouraging him and being that example by loving him and being one with him. That meant let go of self and what I thought I was called to do. I did have to step down from serving in ministry and concentrate on home. Me and my husband are now serving God together in our church and in OUR music ministry. Now God can receive the Glory of a marriage of 14 years strong!!! Hear His voice!
WOW! Dying to self is the one thing that is non-negotiable in marriage. How can you be one with someone else if you do not give up being one with yourself? Growing apart and going in different directions means that you are just too selfish and you do not have your partner’s interest at heart. You are putting your desires first, which is that opposite of marriage. Marriage unites desires and interests, it does not seperate them. Marriage unites direction, it does not seperate paths.
Also, for those who think that pre-marital counseling is superflous because your relationship with God is so-called “together”, I have this one thing to say: “Pride before a crash”.
Mark 10:5-9
And He answered and said to them(Pharisees) what did Moses command you. They said Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and to dismiss her. And Jesus answered and said to them. Because of the “hardness of your heart” he wrote you this precept. (quotations are mine) But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife., and the two shall become one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together let not man separate.
And there are other passages God says about divorce. I also think that we must remember that because we live in the 21st century many things are not new. And is no different in the Church as it was in Israel or of times past. There was a high divorce rate in Israel. God do not like divorce and we know how it can destroy a family, emotions, friendship and relationships. There can be premarital counseling, it is not the answer to staying together. God is, He created marriage. Many people of old got married and did not know their intended or ever met and came together and stayed together without all of our modern day techniques. If you know from studying the Bible, for lack of a better term, dysfunctional was a way of life in marriage relationships of the past. Not just one wife, but many. Even for God’s people. There was much to deal with emotionallly, physically, in families, ….count ourselves extremely blessed that our Lord came into this world and set it straight. One husband, one wife at a time. Marriage is serious. One flesh joined together. that is Holy and Godly. You can’t just divorce and it be overwith. Can’t you hear what the Lord is saying in those scriptures above. Divorce is not the end, only death.
You just can’t see sex being the main source of completing a marriage convenant. If you couldn’t perform what would happen then? In a marriage you can’t get it your way all the time. It is not about you, you, you, and you. Remember there is another party involved.
Divorce is sin, period. Fact is, there are many who are getting married that should not. Many go into marriage with demons that they acquired while in the world and these demons will always manifest until they are cast out. Many Ahab(s) are getting married to true women of God and many jEZEBELs are getting married to true men of God. Above all, not all who say that they are christians are truly born again. Hence, high divorce rate among believers.
Good point Eva. So many people try to use sex as a the fix-all for marital problems. The truth of the matter is that when the marriage starts to go bad, often times sex is the last thing you want to think — or at least sex with your spouse!
This is a question for Leon: Do you feel that there is any instance in which marriage is justified? Also, do you believe it is just for two people to re-marry if their divorce was unjustified?
My prayers go out to the people of God . God can do anything but fail .
The last question of your article is wrong. How “we” feel about divorce is not of importance. Its what God says about it and what His statues are on it. He hates it and it is a sin the only exception He has for divorce is if there is fornication/adultery on one end or the other, then that innocent person is released to possibly get a divorce and if he/she desires be remarried. But then and ONLY then is it permissible. As for these circumstances no one really knows what’s going on. To whom much is given, much is required, so unfortunately in order for these two couples to keep face and respect in the body of Christ, because of their highly esteemed position, not because its any of our business but the truth needs to be revealed and confronted with before anyone decides to go on with their ministries. The body of Christ is so limp wristed on the subject of divorce and now its leaked into the “mega-ministers” of this nation. And we shrug it off, take heed lest even the ELECT be deceived in the last days. Be careful all of us and take the word of God above everyone else’s views and opinions. I’m saved by the Word alone not someone’s personal beliefs…..think about it.
Stephanie,
I do totally agree with you that how we “feel” should not set the standard! The reason that I used that particular word is because although what you are saying about divorce is something that I agree with, it is not something that is readily and forthrightly taught in many churches. As you yourself said, we are very limp-wristed when it comes to divorce.
I asked about “how you feel” so that we as readers can read the responses and make an informed assessment of the mindsets of people concerning the issue. I actually have been surprised by the responses. It seems like most of the people who have responded have a better understanding of divorce than the majority of people I encounter. I am glad for the wisdom that tthe posters have shared, but I do hope to get some responses soon that will expose some of the ignorance that I want to be able to address in this post.
I also whole-heartedly agree with you concerning the need for exposure about what goes on behind closed doors in the lives of those that lead us. It is not our business, but if we can’t learn from the good example that our leaders set before us; then at least let us learn from their mistakes. Like you said, “to whom much is give, much is required”. If you are going to be in the public eye, we will see both your greatnesses and your weaknesses, and it is important that we see the full scope of both extremes for the increase of our knowledge.
Thanks for your post.
we are about to celebrate 18 years of marriage. I personally have a problem when christians get divorce. The part of the vow that say for better or for worse, we choose the for better and not the for worst. my husband and i talk about this alot. As christian we need to be in constant pray and ask God for wisdom and grace and not take each other for granted. It is sad when christain husband hurt their wives, it is just sad. it is also sad when christian couples divorce to go seperate ways because of personal greed. marriage is not all about the sex, i t is about communication and keeping it real. We all struggle, even the best of us.
I was deeply saddened to hear about what happened to Juanita and have not stopped thinking about it. What I have been saying for a long time is this: It seems that the body of Christ tries to pretend (or at least we don’t talk about it enough) that divorce is not happening in the chuch, adultery is not happening in the church, the fact that a large percentage of CHRISTIAN men are addicted to pornograpy in the church, and sexual sin is rampant even among Christians…..When I watch Christian television the majority of what I see is prosperity preaching. When are we going to wake up?
I wish I would have been in a church that took marriage seriously enough to teach about it all the time. If our divorce rate is as high (if not higher) as the world, then the majority of what our churches should be preaching and teaching about is the family and how to stay together. What I’ve learned is this: TO STAY MARRIED IS A CHOICE; NOT SOME FUZZY FEELING WE THINK WE SHOULD HAVE. I got married 7 years ago and had no idea what I was getting myself in to. I by no means was the wife that I was supposed to be but I still to this day don’t believe that I deserved to be cheated on. So when I say that marriage is a choice….it’s not about how you feel. Unfortunately I will be honest and say if I had to do it over again, I would not have gotten married. But…..I found out he was cheating on me (and he cheated for almost 2 years thereafter) when I was pregnant with our first and only child. So I had to make a CHOICE for my daughter. I didn’t want her to grow up in a broken home and surely didn’t want to have her spending time with some other woman that I didn’t know. I prayed and asked the Lord to restore my marriage for the sake of my child’s future and destiny and he did. It’s still extremely hard. When something like that happens it’s hard to get over and you do alot of pretending just to make the marriage work. When I say “pretending” I mean I do what I’m supposed to do by my heart is not in it.
So anyway, I think we pretend in church and that is the reason why the world sits back and laughs at us. We really don’t look that much different than the world and we are mocked because we are too busy preaching about blessings and prosperity instead of acknowledging the fact that we have SIN issues that need to be addressed in the church on a regular basis.
By the way, my comments are not directed toward Juanita or Weeks because to be quite honest, if you have their videos and cds; they preach and teach about the deep topics that most ministers wouldn’t even dare touch. I guess that is why I was somewhat shocked to hear of the severity of their recent troubles.
I will pray for them. If anyone on this blog has a heart to pray for someone they don’t know, I am asking for prayer for my own marriage and heart as well.
Dear Sissy,
STAYING married is a choice. BEING HAPPY in marriage is a choice as well Sissy. I have much compassion for you for what happened in your marriage. However, I am concerned about you.
You had every right before God to divorce your husband after he cheated on you. Although it is noble that you chose to stay with him. I believe that your motive for doing so is wrong.
Along with choosing to stay in the marriage, you have to choose to be happy in the marriage as well. Otherwise, you are doing just as much harm to your daughter, if not more so, as a divorce would have!
I personally believe that often times God allows adultery to occur in a marriage so that marriages that were not destined by him can be legally dissolved. I know that is a radical comment, but I believe many people are married who were never intended to get married in the first place.
There is only one reason that two people should get married and only one reason that two people should stay married after adultery occurs: Kingdom destiny. A couple has to have a destiny together for the Kingdom. That is all that matters, nothing else. If you and your husband do not have a Kingdom destiny, you will waste your life. If you do have a Kingdom Destiny, then you need to be mature enough to truly forgive him and make a decision to enjoy the rest of your marriage and your husband.
You are not serving justice to anyone by living out a life of pretense and it is not pleasing to God. Furthermore, the only thing that makes it hard to get over his adultery is the fact that you have not let go of it and wholeheartedly forgiven him. You need to make a choice Sissy.
Pray about it.
I was a new Christian when I met my husband in college. I knew that I should not be with him because he was not saved, so I persuaded him to accept Christ. That way, I thought, we’d be able to get married and God would bless our union. The problem is, as I grew and matured in my walk with Christ, my husband never did. Most of our marriage (25 years) was a spiritual struggle, a testament to why Christians should not marry unbelievers. Bottom line, and I know this will be controversial, the Lord spoke to me about my husband, who had by now become very abusive emotionally, controlling, and frequently accused me of cheating on him, which I would never have done. The Lord told me my husband would never change, and asked me what I was going to do. I decided to get a divorce, but then chickened out when my husband asked that we go into counselling again (we had been in counselling 3 other times and nothing was accomplished). The final time was even more disastrous; he hardly even participated.
What he revealed to OUR SON (nice, huh?) after the divorce (1 and 1/2 years later) was that he had been having an affair during the time when he said he wanted to work on the marriage, and had been having them throughout the marriage.
I made a lot of mistakes; first of all, I should not have married an unbeliever and tried to make a believer out of him. Only God can do that. But it was the greatest desire of my heart to keep our marriage and family together and I really tried. Only God and my children know the hell I was living in. I never would have gotten a divorce without believing it was God’s will. I would have stayed and continued sleeping in our guest room (my husband wouldn’t have sex with me, so I moved out of our bedroom). So, to those who believe divorce is a sin, I disagree. I believe that what causes divorce and the motivation behind getting a divorce is a sin. I know God hates divorce; I hate divorce too, and I prayed for a long time before I knew getting one was the right thing to do. Sometimes we pick the wrong mates because we are young or have issues. But I believe in God’s mercy when we make mistakes. I know that God did not want me to remain in an abusive relationship with someone who had been cheating on me. The church has to stop judging those who are divorced when they don’t know why the divorce occurred. There are some folks out there who are living very perverted lives and keeping them hidden from their spouses and families. A merciful God doesn’t want his children being subject to demons. Is it also possible that God is orchestrating some of these divorces? This phenomena may be a sign of the end times.
Three years later, I still know that getting the divorce was the right thing to do. I have been living holy as a single woman ever since. If it is God’s will for me to remarry, fine. But I have learned to enjoy my life as a single. I have peace in my home finally, a great relationship with my grown children, supportive family, wonderful friends and hope for a bright future with the Lord.
A great resource, by the way, is a book by Stephen Gola, entitled Divorce: God’s Will. I discovered it on the internet after I had already filed for divorce and was continuing to find answers.
Kay,
I don’t think anyone who knows t he Bible would judge you for your divorce. Your husband was unfaithful to you and you therefore had every right to divorce him. I think what you were trying to say is that you decided to divorce him before you knew that he had cheated on you and that makes you wonder was it wrong. I would say not because you sound like a woman who has a prayer life and even though you may have not known that your husband was cheating, God did know. That is why He instructed you to leave your husband.
I want to ask you this though: 25 years is a long time. When you look back over the marriage, were there other times that you believe God was trying to release you from the marriage and you just didn’t hear him or chose not to obey? It’s hard for me to imagine him keeping you in that situation for so long.
Anavah: Thank you for your kind words. I have a peace about my decision even though I left before I knew about the adultery, which many in the church feel is the only valid reason for a divorce. I stayed because I loved my husband. He had a Dr. Jekyll-Mr.Hyde personality, meaning that he could be really wonderful and really horrible. I kept praying that he would eventually become the good man I knew he could be, but toward the end, he really got worse. I am a writer and have kept a journal for almost the entire time I was married. After my ex revealed the infidelity, I asked God why HE hadn’t told me about his affairs. I really wasn’t blind; I truly didn’t see any evidence, and I didn’t have experience about other things, such as the fact that he wouldn’t have sex with me being a sign. I just thought he was just trying to punish and control me, which he was always trying to do about one thing or another. Then one day I found a journal entry dated 1984, about a vivid dream I had in which God told me that my husband was leaving me. I know now that meant he was cheating (In the dream, my ex was wearing a suit jacket but no pants or underwear; after the divorce, he revealed that he had been sleeping with a married woman at work.) In the dream, God told me that HE would never leave or forsake me, but at the time I didn’t think much of the dream, because I never thought that my husband would cheat on me. Thankfully I recorded the dream, because up until that point, I was a little angry at God for not telling me it was going on.
Christian women especially are taught to fight for their marriages, because the Church is very judgmental against those who divorce. Besides that, I wanted a family and wanted my two boys to have a father. He was a much better father than husband. So I stayed and fought for the marriage. That is why I don’t worry about what others think, because I know who I am in Christ and how hard I tried to make it work. God said to me about those who would judge me, “there is therefore no condemnation to them who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1). Before God I stand or fall for my decision.
So then Kay, If I am understanding you correctly God did try to release you from this marriage some years ago and you just missed His prompting. Is that correct?
If so, what would you say to Sissy, (comment 24), who is in a similar situation and has decided to stay married to her adulterous husband for pretty much the same reasons that you stayed married to yours?
Please help us understand.
Dear Anavah,
I’ve been off line for a few
days. You ask me how long it has been since we got a divorce. It has only been 6 weeks. You ask me if I thought we had a destiny. YES, infatically! I still do believe we HAVE a destiny. I am believing for restoration. But, first for resurrection. One thing I have learned is that we all need to be so close to God that Satan CAN’T steal what God gives us. If we don’t cling to Him in this present age Satan can rob us of so many things. All of you out there please pray for Frank & me (Laura) married for 36
years to be restore. I just was not aware to the extint of what Satan was doing. You know we have to be wise as the serpent but gentle as the dove. I love him. We have two grown children & 6 grandchildren. My children have really struggled since our daughter was raped AT our church 19 years ago. We we’re just devistated and not strong enough to overcome the pain of such a thing. My son got on drugs, my daughter, later became permiscuous & my husband began to drink. He blamed himself, me & God for what happened to her. So there you have it. This is what began the desention down into the pit for us. Please pray for us. Because of what happened to my kids, my husband & I we’re the only stability for our grandchildren & now that has been stolen. But I serve a MIGHTY God and I’m believing for a miracle for HIS glory! Thank you for praying us us & hoping with me.
Love, Laura
Anavah, there is much more to why I stayed. So much happened that of course it is too much to write but everytime I wanted to see an attorney to start the divorce precedings, I always felt that the holy spirit did want me to do it and that I was to stand for my marriage. I had many other things happen like accidentally (meaning I wasn’t looking for a website to stand for my marriage) finding the following website: rejoiceministries.org.
Like I mentioned before, he was not the only one to blame but again, adultery is never justifed. So yes I have some issues that of course will take time with the help of my Father in Heaven. You just don’t suddenly get over it; it takes time. With that being said, I have to be transparent with you in saying that I don’t appreciate your comment about the decision to stay was “noble”. At the same time though, I know that you are not aware of everything that occurred where the Lord is concerned. He was in it and I am MATURE enough in my walk with Him to know that He was.
I think everyone should be careful about telling women to always AUTOMATICALLY file for a divorce when adultery has occured. Rejoice Ministries helped me understand in more depth about marriage, divorce and adultery and unless you’ve studied these issues in depth, please do not let your mouth tell someone to get a divorce.
Kay, if at all possible, can you email me at sylmisc@comcast.net?
Thanks for your feedback Sissy,
You need to read my post to you more carefully. I hate divorce with a passion and have encouraged numberous couples to stay together even after adultery. At the same time, I have observed couples that stayed together after adultery for many years in situations in which it was painfully obvious that they should have divorced. As Kay said in her post, sometimes these situations are orchestrated by God Himself, to get people back on the path of their Kingdom Destiny.
Like you stated in that last post, the details you gave were very sketchy and based on the comments you posted, you presented the notion that you are only staying with your husband for the sake of your child. I did not encourage you to get a divorce. I encouraged to pray and learn how to stay in the marriage for the correct motive. Trying to give a chld stability is not a good foundation for restoring a marriage that has suffered adultery.
Now that you have stated that your decision to stay was made in prayer with the unction of the Holy Spirit I am satisfied with that. I don’t know your relationship with God, but you do and if you trust that He has given you instructions to stay then I encourage you to stand for your marriage.
I would also tell you though that you have to put a DEMAND on yourself to have the joy of the Lord, which will be your strength. Allow your husband to be a new man in your eyes and ENJOY YOUR MARRIAGE. Don’t pretend to be happy, but have joy which supercedes happiness. It does take time Kay. I know that it does, but the Joy will carry you until full restoration takes place and the more you walk in joy, the more quickly you can be healed.
STAND AND WE WILL ALL BE PRAYING FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!
Dear Laura,
Thanks so much for sharing those things with us. That is so deep what has happened to you and your family and I really impathize with your devasation. I have done quite a bit of counseling with congregants that were raped in church. This happened to my own mother.
I commend your courage to believe for restoration even though the divorce has already taken place! That takes a lot of faith and I have seen couples that have remarried after divorce and done fairly well.
Laura you said that you and your husband definitely have a destiny together – what is it? Please define the Kingdom Destiny that the two of you have together.
I don’t know what the Kingdom destiny for us is….I just know we were to be an example to our children & grandchildren of love & faithfulness. My husband has a gift for writing. He didn’t go to college, but colege can’t teach you this. It’s a God given talent. I love my husband (Frank) and I’m going to continue to pray that the eyes of his understanding will be opened to the truth. Please join me in faith for God to speak to him in his waking hours and in his dreams that this is a mistake. Please pray for him to be delivered from alcohol & from any kind of sexual sin he could be walking in. I believe God could be calling us to minister to hurting couples. I love my husband so II am REALLY hurting right now. Thank you for communicating with me. I ask anybody who will to please pray for us. Frank is a good man, he is hurting emotionally and he has shut down. If he turns around my whole family will turn around. Please pray for a dramatic & forever turn around.
Thank you for your prayers & concern. Love you, Laura
In answer to Anavah (#29):
I don’t know if God was trying to tell me way back then. I have always had vivid dreams. Sometimes they came true. At any rate, if He had tried, then He would have known that I needed more evidence than just a dream. Remember, I had no knowledge that my husband was cheating. There was a time when I thought theoretically that if my husband had cheated, I could forgive him and stay married. Knowing what I know now, I could forgive him, but I could never trust him again. At least I trusted my husband in that one respect, even though he didn’t deserve it. Knowing that he had cheated, I would always have that in the back of my mind. That would not be good for the marriage. Therefore, I don’t think I could stay married to someone I knew had betrayed me. I just wouldn’t be able to completely trust him again.
I can’t comment on whether anyone else should divorce, because as I said, everyone’s situation is different. I think if the person confesses it and is truly repentant and wants to change and save the marriage, they probably deserve a second chance. In my situation, my husband never confessed; he lied throughout. That told me a lot about his character, especially since he told our son. That by the way, was extremely painful for me. All along he tried to make me believe that I was the reason for our marital problems, when his adultery and web of lies and deceit had been undermining our marriage. He never gave me a chance to forgive him.
Hope this answers your question.
P.S. Sissy, why do you want me to email you?
Hi Kay,
Actually in your last post you answered some of the questions I wanted to ask you.
Thanks!
Thanks Laura, Kay and Sissy. Your feedback will be helpful to the readers and has been insightful for me. I really appreciate your posts and willingness to share. Let’s all be praying for one another as you all are in some very painful situations. I pray God’s complete restoration and the perfection of His will for all of your lives. Hugs and kisses to you.
Please keep me updated and let me know how you all are doing in the future!
To Sissy,
I’m glad I was able to help. God Bless!
Anavah, thank you for your prayers and your kindness. Although I am trying to stay out of self pity, my heart hurts significantly but I alsoI know that He is able to restore me 100%.
This is only the second time I’ve ever posted to a blog and I really like your site and am considering purchasing your book. Part of the problem that occured in my situation is my husband has a sexual addiction to pornography. The woman that he had an affair with was someone he worked with and of course…..like spirits attract and that’s how they came together. So…..she was also into pornography, group sex and she was also bisexual. I have to add…..I didn’t have sex with him for a whole year prior to him even meeting this lady so that contributed to how the affair was started.
I was reading one of your articles about the Incubus and the Succubus spirits. It gave me the chills. If only the world and MOST CHRISTIANS knew and would take that information serious, I wonder if we would still play with the inapproprate local television shows, the movies we watch and the music videos that I can’t even believe that Christians think are okay to watch (BET & MTV).
Laura & Kay, I will keep you both on my prayer list. And Anavah, I will pray for your ministry. Thank you for loving and caring.
Sissy,
I am so glad you understand my heart now. I want to help people heal and my greatest passion is to see people walking out their true destiny. Without purpose, life will always be empty. Sometimes we get off course and we have to make some tough painful decisions in order to correct our mistakes. Abraham having to send his son Ishmael away as if dead is a perfect example of this.
Why did you and your husband not have sex for such a long time? What was going on?
Has your husband been delivered from the pornography?
Thanks so much for praying for the other posters and for me! I hope I hear back from you and I am glad that you are enjoying the blog. That is very encouraging to hear as it has only been up for about 8 days now.
I enjoyed reading your message about christian marriages. My comment is this: From the beginning of time Satan has made it his duty to tear up marriages. He know’s that if the head is out of order the house is divided and cannot stand. Also, if the head (the husband) is not walking right how can he produce seeds that will walk right? They lead by example.
There is so much temptation out here now, that a man really has to truely be wrapped up in God to ignore what women has on display now-a-days. Everyone is hidden behind a mask when they first meet and most of the time they are on their best behavior, so you don’t know what you are getting your self into until its too late most of the time. A man or a woman will tell you exactly what you want to hear in order to get you where they want you, then and only then will the mask come off and your prince becomes a demon. Of course the woman has to do her part and stop trying find her mate. She must remember that she was the rib taking from man therefore, man has to find her not the other way around. All she has to do is trust God, stop giving away her gift that God gave her to present to her husband on her wedding night and just wait until she really hear from God. Then and only then will she find the happiness and fullment she desires. Oh yes, one last thing. STOP trying to change a man or woman. If it is not broken before you say I do, it will not get fixed by saying I do. Remember the only thing that changes is the name the person remains the same. Only God can make the difference.
I am no longer accepting new comments on this post. If you would like to post on the issue of marriage, divorce or Juantia and Thomas Weeks please comment in one of the following posts which can all be found on the archives page:
When a spouse cheats, is the other spouse to blame?
Bishop Thomas Weeks Suspended from Ministry
Is Divorce “Permissable” After Adultery, or Is It “Required”?
Masturbation can ruin your marital sex life!
Juanita Bynum and Thomas Weeks Speak Out (and it ain’t good).
Or you can always create a new topic on the Let’s Blog page
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Sept 4, 2007 “The comments being posted in this post have gotten very interesting. The question that seems to be on the table is whether or not a …” Read more in the new post “Is Divorce “Permissable” After Adultery, or Is It “Required”?”